We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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