You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
