I met the friendliest cop last night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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