Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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