I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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