You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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