Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
