i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
