JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
