Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
