in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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