you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
