In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this beer tastes like vomit already
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
