Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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