After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
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We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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