I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
