I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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