just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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