Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
