God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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