i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
