last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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