Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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