Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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