Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY