Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my shit smells like andre
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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