im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
