I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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