Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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