The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
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Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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