Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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