wakey wakey hands off snakey
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I need a beard to bite.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
