Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
