you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
