she pinky promised me she was 18
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
