I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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