do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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