So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
