Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm really busy with my period
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