Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
