Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
