Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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