I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
