I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
