Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
