You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize