No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
