Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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