I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
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we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
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My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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