listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
