I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
