Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The Olympian is in my bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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