Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
