This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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